What is a crush if not a breaking of a boundary?

“To love is to be delighted by the happiness of another.” - Leibniz

I think a lot about the sort of “frames” of connections we have, or the source of consent as a fundamental way of deciding to do anything.

Fundamentally, having a crush on someone is pushing the existing default frame you have with someone. This is not at all a bad thing— after all, without pushing the boundaries of life you will never get anywhere! no change! But I think the default “negative” connotations that come with pushing boundaries can apply here, even if it’s nothing physical. (Again, to be clear, the argument here is by no means that having a crush on someone is bad for the other person, but just that we should be more thoughtful about it.)

Frames are the behaviors we adopt deal with the social, emotional, and moral dilemmas we all face in everyday life. And they exist individually as well as between people. I gave a talk about friendship on Sunday and someone asked me about male-female friendships and the sexual tension that can exist in them. My answer, which I did not do a good job explaining, was “frames.” Friendship is a frame that two people can hold, and as long as both people are committed to it, I generally believe that it’s not a huge problem if one or both people experience attraction. — ava 🐻‍❄️ྀིྀི

The failure case, of course, is that you simply can’t be friends with someone who isn’t interested in maintaining the frame. One particular behavior that really annoys me (a “red flag,” as they call it) is when someone verbally says one thing and then acts in a very different way. Like, they say, Let’s be friends, I understand you’re not looking to date anyone, and then they take you to a very romantic restaurant and pay for dinner. And then suggest sitting on a park bench and try to place a hand on your thigh. It’s like—hey, I can’t maintain this frame all by myself. — ava 🐻‍❄️ྀིྀི

sometimes, when i talk about this to someone, they say something like: “just set better boundaries!” I don’t know how to think about this: on one hand, yes. I could totally. but isn’t it kind of sad (and it’s qiute hard) if you have to do this with so many people? the burden to maintain any sort of frame should be maintained by both sides, no?

Often times, people will like someone and the moment this happens, it is a sort of “power imbalance.” The object of your affections becomes a target—you might talk about every conversation you have this person to all your friends (ask yourself: does this kind of break the privacy assumptions you have with them?) or put yourself into the mindset that prevents you from seeing the other person also as a living being. When you get stuck on the idea of liking someone, of whether or not they like you back, of analyzing all their actions to see if you can find an “ick” to get over them with, etc. etc., these are ways of thinking about someone that can be pretty harmful.

Lets imagine if this person doesn’t return your affections. You go around to all your friends / rationalize to yourself: ah, this person had xyz flaws, or this person said xyz things that kind of led me on, etc. etc., I think this is natural. It is human to try to make yourself feel better. But at the same time? Most of the time?? The other person might have actually done nothing wrong, and the actions you’ve taken now have hurt them: they might hear something second-hand about the things you’re supposedly “saying” about them, and so on.

Perhaps more applicable: you can just dislike someone. We have this tendency to try to attribute bad traits or justifications to someone when we dislike someone, but sometimes maybe you just don’t click with them! Or find them annoying, or too different of a personality type, and so on… this doesn’t make them a bad person, and you don’t need to (and shouldn’t, most of the time!) try to find reasons about their bad-ness to justify it to yourself and others.

It’s so easy to forget. I’ve done this too! We forget that the person we’re dating, or in a situationship with, or just have a one-side crush on… it’s a whole living breathing human who has so much going on. You might assume the level of priority you place this situation to be the same in their minds… but it really might not be! And when they don’t respond in the way you want (i.e., maybe not giving you as much time and credence as you feel you deserve or being worried about other things), it doesn’t make them a bad person. There are more factors at play here—its not a default write-off.

This is partially why I struggle to respect people who say hurtful things in the “heat” of the moment. I’ve heard people get mad at someone (i.e., for not returning feelings!) and say things and express things that feel very devoid of empathy.

For instance, it would probably really upset most people if a close friend talked to you really intensely every day for two months and then suddenly switched to talking to you once a month without warning. Frames are functionally how you’ve agreed (either with yourself or with another person) to operate in society. — ava 🐻‍❄️ྀིྀི (half-heartedness)

^ I think, here, is an example. Let’s say you’ve developed feelings for a close friend—in an attempt to get over them, you suddenly stop talking to them (or talk much less) with no explanation. That can really suck on the other end, too. This doesn’t mean it’s either person’s fault or blame here, but rather something to keep in mind.

Liking someone, supposedly, is actually caring about them, but I think culture of today forgets this. We love sensationalizing stories to make them as dramatic as possible and we forget these stories can be easily traced back and hurt the original people.

If you want to be loved, find something you love. People can sense it when you have something you’re dedicated to. No one wants the burden of being the answer to your dissatisfication. When you’re unsure of yourself, it’s easy to be obsessed with the idea of love—the idea that happiness will arrive when someone else loves you. This can lead to you ignoring your own life.

^ again important note. many times we crush because of a sort of dissatisfaction for other parts of your life. fix that first!! if you find yourself always in a relationship, then you might be dating out of fear of being alone!

We allow crushes bring some sort of added scrutiny to the target, but I think, especially as we mature, this is a too simplistic way of thinking, and yet it happens to everyone. People always makes mistakes, and giving and acting with grace is important in these situations.

Don’t rely on someone else to give you what you need. Choose what nourishes you every day. See how strong you become when you remember that love is just reassertation, choosing something over and over. Do it one more time & watch mundane repetition become something transcendent. — ava 🐻‍❄️ྀིྀི

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some epilogue

And part of me wants to walk away 'til you really listen

I hate to look at your face and know that we’re feeling different

'Cause part of me wants you back, but

I know it won’t work like that, huh?

Why won’t you try moving on for once? That might make it easy

I know we cut all the ties but you’re never really leaving

And part of me wants you back, but

I know it won’t work like that, huh?

— I know it wont work, gracie abrams

If you would just make one mistake

What a relief that would be

But I think for as long as we’re together

I’ll be the only heartbreaker

So I’ll be the loser in this game

I’ll be the bad guy in the play

I’ll be the water main that’s burst and flooding

You’ll be by the window, only watchin’

— the only heartbreaker, mitski

You told me once that I’m selfish

And I kissed you hard, in the dark

In the closet

You said my music is mellow

Maybe I’m just exhausted

You think you’re a good person because you won’t push me

In the stomach — letter to an old poet, boygenius

some notes from friends after reading this:

M: i definitely think this “power imbalance” you describe when you like someone is exactly what drives a person to either obsession or distaste for the vulnerability of their position now in the relationship. when in reality, i think we need to learn to accept platonic and romantic affection as equally intense & fulfilling and also look inside ourselves to understand what actually makes you like someone. it tends to be because you find them attractive, or a part of their being/personality/existence appealing to you in a “special” kind of way, and it really sucks that such a great feeling can often be forcing someone to feel like they need to break this “frame” in the friendship. some friendships are worth more than that? idk. also it’s interesting to think about friendships that don’t necessarily uphold the regular “frames” a friendship might, but carries its own frames amongst those two people (for example, friends that might kiss each other from time to time—if both people accept that it’s part of their friendship and is part of the frame that does not imply anything more, then there is no imbalance). how can you know for sure that you’re not the only one that thinks it’s part of the frame? and why do people so often assume others owe them things (feelings, a relationship, etc.) for daring to try to create their own frame in their relations? can we ever escape from the societal “frames” that are put upon us?

S: It can be so confusing when someone says something and acts differently. You then have to spell it all out for them so that they understand, or can’t question or continue to provoke you. And it feels like you have to carry all of the resposibity/ baggage associated with it. Obviously people can make their own decisions and have free will but it’s also like emotions don’t operate in a black and white way like that. Because you invest so much emotional energy into them and it takes time to update after there’s a sudden change, that’s how a lot of trauma in children and adults happens.