here were some things i wrote in my notes app in jan when I was in London for ARENA, an AI program for alignment engineers to upskill.
Jan 7 it’s easy to be stressed out at an airport but seeing a child waving bye to his dad whilst his mother waving just as excitedly is so so cute and is making me fucking tear up in line for tsa
They should make this thing that tells you what movie someone is watching after you’ve been staring at their silent airplane seat screen for more than 10 minutes
Things I want on my grave: hyacinths and orchids all purple this is a strong preference thanks
- Jan 9 - A man doing pull ups on the subway. I guess I should have known but it’s so weird seeing normal people walking around london? Like people who aren’t white, students, the same ads… it’s so weird. A couple laughing and in love on the subway it’s so
- Jan 10 - I feel like there should be a study on the personalities of people correlated to how close they stand to the subway rails on the platform. Are they me, and deathly afraid of falling (being pushed?) in? Are they daredevils, standing in the yellow until they can’t anymore?
- Jan 17 - Buddhism tells us to not be attached to worldly things — I should be beyond needing such things and such peoples. As I wait for the subway I notice the dead blank stares of all those around me as I shake myself out of this stupor. Are we all lost in our own worlds, too tired to keep putting on an act as we wait to head home? What goes on in an empty stare? A deer in headlights is always how we imagine it but what if it’s a million thoughts running through our brain - an entire life flashing before your eyes, almost
- Jan 18 - my legs feel like a separate entity as they climb up the stairs it doesn’t feel like my brain is thinking about it or feeling it it’s marching up and up and up and up and it just feels like its a different body a different being
Jan 23 - I’ve noticed I’m very conscious of the noise I make. When in an office I’m so nervous about the sound my feet make when walking on the hardwood floors, the typing my keys make, the coughing. I notice when others make sound too, but now I wonder if this is needless—when I put on headphones I’m so much happier with doing my thing, because I’m not hearing every single step.
Jan 24
It’s weird to think about how I’ll so miss these people even if I really haven’t know them super well.
it’s cool to see the lives of people entering subways—seeing a trip of girls in black party dresses and heels on a Wednesday night, followed by a middle aged but still clearly in love and having fun couple run to catch the closing doors, a drunk Asian man in a pretty fire outfit but very clearly out of it, a woman cuddling into her partner standing waiting for their train…
It’s so cute! And it’s like, what will be true for me too.
I’m glad I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I’m no longer waiting. I’m not waiting for the day I “grow up”, for the day I’m free, when I can finally be happy—not that I’m nearly close to there yet but it feels tangible? It seems like something I can strive for, and I get little tastes of it in daily life and I want it more and more.
Why is this train stopped in the middle of the tunnel.