some thoughts on turning 20

it’s weird being the double digits. like, the actual age, where it starts with a 2. (whaaaaat) it’s the start of something new!! i’m going to sf, taking a gap term totally on my own terms, and figuring what it is next (i need to pnr 8.02)

what have i learned as a 20 year old? going into 2025!?!? on my actual birthday i received a futureme letter back from may 2024 and wow, even just the past 6-ish months, so so much in my life has changed. I am so excited for the 21-year-odl me opening the new letter I just wrote for her<3.

ok random notes i’ve started jotting down over the last 4 days:

1. efficiency isn’t everything

take the time to experience life with someone. It really isn’t about the time you invested into working or the minute you squeeze out

Parallel play - watching movies, enjoying concerts… things you feel aren’t operative to bringing you closer OR helping you with work… but that’s life!! you move forward in life and experience it with others and if you’re always utilizing every moment of ur life when do you get to live it?? even after writing that whole essay about ambition I still found myself squeezing out every second of a day and freezing if someone proposed a plan that wasn’t already on my calendar… perhapps…. resolution 2025?

2. don’t just tolerate it

converse to part 5, it’s the point that you should not just tolerate where your life is. maybe life is good enough comparatively to the past that i’m just okay with it, but realizing that maybe it’s time to kind of actively raise the bar of the type of situations i’m in / create was so important to me. being okay with my own company and realizing sometimes, i’d prefer to be alone than going to some event or hanging out with some people helped me move past so much of my FOMO. (perhaps, though, this also meant i’ve lost social skills….)

it’s okay to have high standards for life! I think being told that “beggars can’t be choosers” forgets that maybe you’ve worked hard enough that you’re no longer a beggar

3. less music

sometimes when I talk to a deeply enlightened adult they talk about being at peace with your thoughts and being alone. there’s an infinite number of reels about how the truly good runners run without music. and I realize I spend way too much of my life blasting music into my ears at all points in my life without a clear understanding of why.

I love music. its something I can’t stop talking about, thinking about, it’s the topic of most of my conversations and how i make most of my friends. and yet, do I do anything productive within music? no, not really. not that this is a problem, but perhaps some change could be made.

i’ve tried to stop listening to music when im doing some really intense work / studying and to sometimes force myself to walk back to my dorm in silence. it’s hard, especially when walking alone at night (and its scarryyyy) but i think i’ve realized that when in silence, i resort to talking to myself, which helps me work through a lot of things!!

4. female friendships

i am so so grateful for the people i really gotten to know and become closer with this year. it’s so hard to spend time with people at mit when I’m constantly working and I find myself having to turn down most outings or being afraid to commit to some event because I worry I might have to flake later. so so grateful for the female friendships in my life, i feel like there’s just this whole layer of closeness and understanding and i love the people who have sat through my crazy-posting on my stories, who have gone to spontaneous trips and concerts with me, who have gotten coffee with me so many times only to end up co-working… <3 it make my life feel so much more full and real.

another resolution: rituals!! i want to build the same weekly rituals seb and i did for perrys plate or the weekly friendly beans i cohost!! to have weekly dinners at the apartment, to have weekendly commitments, maybe weekly movie nights, etc. etc. lmk if ur down :)

5. be a chill guy.

sometimes mom likes to tell me that im too forgiving, that i’m too nonchalant about things, but i think it’s partially because of my upbringing and where i am where i’ve realized it’s just easier to not really gaf about most things. if you don’t let every small things emotionally affect you, the harder it is to hurt you.

and it’s not just some emo statement. it’s the fact that when you do care about something, it clearly matters to you. revealed preference, kind of, where i know it matters when i really do feel affected by something, and will actually stand up for myself then.

i’ve long agonized over the type of person i should be in these situations. should i be the type of person bold enough to complain to the waiter?? should I be the type to expect better service?? i am still not sure, but i think through this i’ve realized i don’t care enough either way to really go out of my way to verbalize it.

6.

anyways, how can i note have a claire rant without a bleachers lyric??

I think it was the day that Kobe fell from the sky

Day that Kendall Pepsi-smiled

Or the day that I had held her last

These days of our lives, they’re rough and they’re fast and unfair

And held together by a paper clasp

And they’re drenched in a moment past

And they’re only known when somebody is gone

Well, the years move fast, but the dread goes hard